Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

War & Peace

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads