Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
These work great until they don’t.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Warm pools make me nervous.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”