Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking about Jeff

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

PRIEST: *cry laughing

ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk

MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES