Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.