Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
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Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.