Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
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when you order from DoorDastardly
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.