Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
You Might Also Like
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.