Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”