Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
never signed up for a 401k cuz there’s no way in hell i can run that far
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.