Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.