Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*