Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

[At work]

What can I do to pass the time?

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.