Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Previously On Persistence 😎

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

i meant to share this earlier

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.

“Worm Regards”

What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

“We just want to find someone who will-”

*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?

“Exactly.”

-death row inmates

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*