Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
i smell a pulitzer
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.