Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Oh. My. God.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”