Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
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This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019