Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
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You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
🤣🤣
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
when mom throws a party…
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.