Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
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You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends