Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
no their not
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.