Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
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“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.