Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.