@TheHyyyype

OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!

ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it

OLD LADY: oh thank you!

ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!

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@SteveKoehler22

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

@BoogTweets

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

@mikeleffingwell

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

@dwaghalter

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move

@MetteAngerhofer

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

@aparnapkin

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

@JB4Realz

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.