OLD LADY: help, that man snatched my purse and he’s getting away!

ME: no need to shout, ma’am, i’ll handle it

OLD LADY: oh thank you!

ME: *takes deep breath* help, that man snatched her purse and he’s getting away!

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No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.


Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.


One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.


Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.


Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no


him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move


6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.


Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.


[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.