[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.