Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember