Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Hmmmmm

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.