Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

This guy gets it.

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

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The Chosen Phew

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

me: I wish there were more hours in my day

the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey

m; eew. no. not you.