Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….

The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed

Leia: I love you.

Han: I know.

[gets frozen in carbonite]

[two years pass]

[gets unfrozen]

Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.

What about a To-Don’t List?

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

had to share :’)

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

A GPS. But for where your story is going.