Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

This gonna be me in 2 weeks

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

More like Kate Missington.

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.