Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!