Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

I have a great story to tell u.

“Why don’t u just go write a book”

Wow, that’s-

“Don’t u dare say it-”

a novel idea.

“I’m moving out”

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

You’re not an “empath”.

You have “chronic heartburn”.

[at auto shop]

MECHANIC: can I help you?

ME: my car won’t start

MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse

ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

If Mr Krabs owned a bar

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard