Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.