Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
You Might Also Like
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.