Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Banana is the quietest snack
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.