Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.