Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.