Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
You Might Also Like
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
a god among men
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.