Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
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wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*