Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

there’s probably a fee though

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

Ugh

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn