Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on