Old MacDonald was holding his calculator upside-down, 01313.
You Might Also Like
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Who knew!
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.