OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.