OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
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beware of dog
(jukin media)
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
