Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.