Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
