Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
peeping toms
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
