Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.