Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
shakira sharkira
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence