Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.

I disagree with my politics

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

*donates body to science*

Science: “I have a boyfriend”

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings