Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

Have kids, they said

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv

Jungle book…she meant jungle book

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

San Francisco has too many rules

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

my favorite genre of twitter

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.