Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.