Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.