Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

HER: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because i get angry wrong?

HER: yes

ME: *balling toes* this is delightful

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey