Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

More like Kate Missington.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.