Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
You Might Also Like
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
what are they serving at kfc then???
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?