Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
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Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
i was baptized in a car wash
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal