Old old old old old west
You Might Also Like
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then