Old old old old old west
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
but that was my emotional support daylight
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
The asteroid..
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
and now we wait
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Anyone really
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I’m good, thanks.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!