Old old old old old west
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Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Toxic snake
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
who did the taste test?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?