Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
So true for me
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.