Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
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*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime