Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
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You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
There is no try. There is only give up.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
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went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.