Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.