Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?