Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
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They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
dictator is short for richard potato
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Thumbnail on my tv now says “TUBI: HOME OF SUPER BOWL LIX” and what must that look like to a generation who never learned Roman numerals
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again