Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
You Might Also Like
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.