Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
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Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
how many bears make up a bear minimum
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea