old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.