old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*