old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My patience has stretch marks.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.