Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.