Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
You Might Also Like
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My work here is done
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Unimpressed
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
This is no longer winter this is harassment
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.