Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

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Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.


I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!


How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?


I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up



THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.


*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle


[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah


Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…