@BizarreLazar

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

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@OtherDanOBrien

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

@pleatedjeans

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

@JamesHavoc

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.

@MandiAtRandom

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

@crylenol

Commercial for Twitter dot com:

*man yells nonsense out his window*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

@bombsydoll

[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

@thatdutchperson

[finds sock with hole in it]

*gets angry*

[puts sock back in same drawer]

*repeats forever*