[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Commercial for Twitter dot com:
*man yells nonsense out his window*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?
but was it fire…?
[walks into my bedroom to find my sister having sex with my bf]
SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE UR DOING THIS TO ME THAT’S WHERE I EAT!!!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[finds sock with hole in it]
[puts sock back in same drawer]