Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me