Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…