@BizarreLazar

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

You Might Also Like

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

@RocketRankoon

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

@AnkCoupleTO

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

@mjkspeaks

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

@Bob_Janke

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

@ibid78

[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah

@LoveNLunchmeat

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…