Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
umm…
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.