Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
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I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
This raises questions
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
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Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
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when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
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Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.